hey hope ur doing good well im not im going through Circles im overthinking too much I have a lot of family problems extra but I dont really care about them . yes they do effect slowly sometimes I crash out sometimes I cry and that's rarely happens my dad used to hit me and say bad things to me when I was young like 5 till not and im 15 also my grandma she said man don't cry now I cant express my feelings the normal way today I felt soo bad cuz I think everyday that im a useless person I want to be better I want Money to buy clothes and perfume I want to take care of my self and look good its not necessary but the fact that I cant even buy clothes because we don't have money kinda hurts . well I have a lot of clothes but non of them are mine some neighbours and family members I dont have a problem with it actually I like that I get beautiful free clothes but I cant buck what I dont have I also need Money for food cuz I love calisthenics and running and basketball but I only train a little cuz I dont have a reason to u dont even have a reason to live except my mom that would cry if I die she doesn't understand me at all and doesn't help whatsoever but I still love her I also want my own room I dont have brothers I share the room with my 2 sisters I want my personal room to be cool a pc gamer not like my shity pc that can't even run minecraft properly and a calisthenics equipment and a place for my electric stuff I love electronics soo much and robotics I want to learn them soo badly but I cant I dont think because im lazy it's just lack of support no one really care about me I love doing many stuff like playing chess solving rubik's cube (my record is 38seconds :3 ) I have an addiction its gooning I didn't do it for 2 months im kinda proud of my self but not really because I've been doing it for 2 years and watching porn and talking to bitches online I was doing it like 5 to 10 times a day last summer it got to the point that i dont feel bad after doing it I also didn't pray for a wile thats bad I think my addiction did something bad to me idk if I should go to the doctor every time I pee cum comes out I dont even touch my pee pee and it goes out I think my balls work more then normal ppl im not pervert actually I just realised that I also have a crush on a cute short beautiful girl she's kinda weird just like the way I like im obsession with her but sadly she loves another person even tho I see her looking at me a lot in class and talk to me nicely in dm but she loves another guy like I said im an overthinker I always imagine hugging her or aging with her or just talking to her because I never talked to her in class before only in Instagram she knows that she's my crush I told her I told her a little bit of how I think I said that im scared if u get mad at me when I think about us together and a lot of stuff its bad that she doesn't like me but good because we won't be in a haram relationship I have a gf before she's 5 years older she's 20 now she made my life better soo much and now after I broke up with her because I didn't want haram I have a big gap my feelings are fucked I wsnt to be with her soo badly I never met her I never talked to somone near me only online i dont know how to talk im shy my mind is full with stupid thoughts I dont really study it doesn't effect me and my grades I want to get married now that's the only halal way to fill my gap and my lack of love and support I prefer older women probably because they understand and treats me better just like my ex maybe ill have a nother girlfriend if I make sure she will marry me maybe idk anyway if u made it here thx for reading soo much I dont even remember all the things I typed hope u didn't love u and bbye

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