I am feeling hurt, desperate. I was abandoned when I was a day old. I was then adopted by mom. This created a deep abandonment wound which gets reactivated each time I get abandoned, ghosted, neglected or not chosen. I had this online friend who was a big support to me. I started developing feelings. or maybe I was just too desperate. I have been depressed and anxious for five years and a half so I have been holding on for too, carrying this invisible wounds and trauma all my life, I just wanted to be held, to be loved, for someone to share this weight with me. so I started dreaming that this guy would be it. he was everything I was searching, and I was tired of searching. but he had a crush. his crush wasn't available but yesterday he told me that she told him that she wanted to be with him. so I broke into tears. I cried, I sobbed, I felt desperate. obviously it was deeper than just my crush not choosing me. it was me getting confronted to that belief that maybe if I was abandoned all these times maybe something was wrong with me. maybe I am unlovable. maybe it's my fault. maybe I am doomed to be abandoned for ever. I feel sad, I feel hurt but mostly I feel alone. like I have no one to share all of this that is hurting me.

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