giving up on people

Toast_80829 🇩🇿

2 months ago

Feeling Drained

Express your Feeling anonymously

hey ppl am stardust not my real name of course but something closer to being myself 
am a nineteen old person with the mindset of a thirty year old women, I grow up early out immature fase I guess I been trough a lot as a kid 
let's started with how complex my story is 
once I was born by my a biological mother and father who I never knew I was given to an older lady as a baby cuz she couldn't handle taking care of me , to an older lady who never been able to have kids the same lady took my half brother in before I was born we have the same mother but different fathers since I was a kid my current mother preferred my brother over me although we're both not her biological parents she was with someone back then her hasband but no longer after they get divorced my brother was a kid and I was a baby growing up I was terrified of my current mother to do anything wrong or say anything wrong since she had serious mental and anger issues she been trough a lot herself but it wasn't my fault yet I payed the price hard 
now am not saying that she doesn't love me maybe she does but not in a healthy way and sometimes I deeply believe she doesn't like me as a person  she doesn't like the way I dress or act or anything she's not that supportive in anything except my studies and she have high expectations for me all the time and it's draining 
during my phone childhood I spend it trying to satisfy her doing everything to make her proud but at some point I realised no matters how much I did for her she would never chooses me over my brother it was so hurtful slowly I lost trust in her stopped telling her anything about me or myself cuz I was afraid she might use it against me later 
as a kid I even got molested couple of times not once but I was too scared to tell my mother, same thing with getting bullied at school I got hit and made fun of but never told her sometimes duo to her anger issues when i was a kid she used to beat me and say the most hurtful stuff sometimes hit me with glasses and even once she throwed a knive on me i was twelve , she never trusted me with anything and kept making assumptions about me whenever i wan a express myself  guess I never felt safe to share those kind of stuff with her
anyway I grow up to be a messy person my mind is constantly foggy  
lately I gave up on ppl I had one relationship with a guy and it was never genuine from his side but looking around i noticed that most ppl are terrible specially men so I gave up on that idea 
I don't wanna get married ever

although I always dreamt of being a mother but I have to gave up on that for my own safety

I also lack a trust in men because what I been trough and growing up with no one to call father linger deeply and grew to influence me

but I think I lost myself  and I might need therapy so bad but am short on money

I also attempted to suicide  couple of times and even though of ways to do so and listen to that voice in my head couple of times

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