mother

Update i tried again to get her too look at his green flags she told me she will press charges on him if she sees us talking in any way, she screamed in my face and told me i have no common sense and that i apparently find joy in hurting people told me theres no way out that im going to counseling is trusting people shes never met over me make me bawl and now wants to act like were friends im so done i cant even. 16 years of being the “responsible” “perfect” child and its all nothing when push comes to shove.. im so tired of all of this. I hate her and myself. I had to cut him out of my life completely to keep him out of trouble. I hate myself for hurting him when hes already going through so much. If i knew this would happen i would have never gotten with him in the first place. I dont know anymore i just hurt.

Today my mom and I spent more time together than usual and we ended up having a good long conversation its rare when we connect and get along this well but It always leaves me fulfilled and complete

Ive not had my mother for 9 years now but ive always loved her and for some reason always belifed anything she says is the truth even though it never is.. i usued to wait at the door when she said she was coming to get me and refuse to move an inch with my bag packed beside me till i fell asleep, and she would always leave us no matter what she promised when we woke up she would be gone and i thought it would change because its my monma afterall until one day she decided to leave for good not that i knew that at the time but i fought kicked and screamed for her to stay all i wanted was for her to be with me i didnt care she was an adict i didnt mind that she wasnt with my dad i didnt care if she cooked bad or that she always lied or that she had no teeth i just wanted her to stay.. i never shook that feeling and i don’t understand what this feeling is because i know she did so much to hurt me and my siblings and my dad but i cant help but sit and cry because i miss her and i dont know why i miss someone who never chooses me someone who has hurt me more than everyone else… i dont know what this weight on my chest is but it makes it so hard to breath and i dont know how to fix it..