Ive not had my mother for 9 years now but ive always loved her and for some reason always belifed anything she says is the truth even though it never is.. i usued to wait at the door when she said she was coming to get me and refuse to move an inch with my bag packed beside me till i fell asleep, and she would always leave us no matter what she promised when we woke up she would be gone and i thought it would change because its my monma afterall until one day she decided to leave for good not that i knew that at the time but i fought kicked and screamed for her to stay all i wanted was for her to be with me i didnt care she was an adict i didnt mind that she wasnt with my dad i didnt care if she cooked bad or that she always lied or that she had no teeth i just wanted her to stay.. i never shook that feeling and i don’t understand what this feeling is because i know she did so much to hurt me and my siblings and my dad but i cant help but sit and cry because i miss her and i dont know why i miss someone who never chooses me someone who has hurt me more than everyone else… i dont know what this weight on my chest is but it makes it so hard to breath and i dont know how to fix it..
That honestly sounds really painful… I’m so sorry you had to go through that, especially at such a young age. No one deserves to feel left like that or keep getting their hopes up just to be hurt again. And it actually makes a lot of sense that you still miss her… she’s your mom, and that kind of love doesn’t just disappear, even if she hurt you. Missing her doesn’t mean what she did was okay,it just means you cared deeply. The way you described that weight on your chest sounds really overwhelming too… like you’ve been carrying all of this for a long time. You don’t have to have it all figured out right now
healing doesn’t really work like that… it’s not something you just ‘get over’ with time. Stuff like that can come back in waves, even after years, especially when something reminds you of it or you just finally feel it all at once
Listen… what you’re feeling isn’t weakness or stupidity, it’s because you were a kid who needed their mom, and that doesn’t just go away. You don’t miss her because she was good, you miss her because you wanted her to choose you and stay. What’s inside you isn’t normal love, it’s attachment from a wound, and there’s still that unhealed inner child in you standing at the door, waiting for her even though you know the truth. She didn’t leave because you weren’t worth it, she left because she couldn’t even choose herself. When you cry, you’re really grieving the safety, love, and life you never got. That weight in your chest is old pain and unresolved hurt. And the hard truth is, if she came back the same, she’d probably hurt you again. You don’t need her to return, you need to stop waiting for her, because the one who deserved to be chosen all along was you.