I feel just disgusting. I have a feeling that I have not made a single good decision in the last two years. I have almost completely isolated myself. There is only one person with whom I communicate regularly. I am completely incapable of working. At the moment, I am not required to work, but I see that none of my goals are achievable if I continue to live this way. So I set myself fewer and fewer goals. Each of my sessions of self-analysis ends in hysterics. But self-analysis was instilled in me from childhood. I can't just live and enjoy the moment, knowing that I'm sliding lower and lower. Sometimes I try to forget myself, but it leads to complete disasters. Now I can't get up in the morning, I miss mandatory activities, I systematically let people down, I hang huge problems on the people responsible for me. Sometimes I think how great it would be if I was diagnosed with an incurable disease. All my actions would become rational and explainable. I have a lot of thoughts about the end of my life, but I'm too weak to actually do anything. I understand that such thoughts are destructive. What kind of efficiency can we talk about when I am not sure if I will be able to get out of bed tomorrow? I'm no longer trying to take control of my life, I'm just taking the path of least resistance. This is pathetic. And it is terribly unpleasant for me to write such a text. I know what I myself would say in response to this. This is literally the worst way to describe what is happening. I am overdramatizing, this is another worst possible solution. I can't stop making bad decisions, so please help me stop analyzing them.
