Well, I don't really know what I'm doing with my life at this point. I'm just existing, and nothing seems fun anymore. Life is so tasteless, and all I have on my mind is self-harm. i know it's wrong i know it's bad i know though i'm gonna regret it in the future but like the only thing that seems like helpful a bit for me is to cut i'm trying so hard to stay clean but i really want to do it i'm really like if it wasn't haram and it would lead me to end up in hell i would have killed myself long ago and i'd be cutting on my wrist not to kill myself but like i would hope that it would kill me somehow but also i fear ending up in hell that's it that's the only reason why i'm still here to be honest and i hate how life is so like nothing goes the way we want and I'm trying so hard to like go with the flow and saying it's okay but it it isn't I hate that I'm repeating the baccalaureate exam again even though I didn't fail like i passed but it wasn't even my decision like it's my life but it's not my decision and now i'm repeating it without even wanting to i don't even have the will or like i cannot i genuinely like i can't even do my hobbies nothing seems interesting anymore i've lost lost interest in everything it's so messed up and i feel so alone i think that if i had someone who would like care for me like at least check on me regularly it would have been easier to stop doing all the bad habits i'm already doing and all that whatever life is weird and i hope that i'm gonna die soon i genuinely hope so i don't even know what i'm saying or why i'm saying it but yeah